Been awhile...

Well, it's been a long while since I have "rambled" here.

I have to start by apologizing to the readers and friends I had before I abruptly stopped writing. I am really sorry for just stopping cold turkey and not saying good-bye, or telling anyone that I was going to take a break or anything... I kinda just "fell" off the edge of the world.

I didn't plan on stopping, it just sorta happened. The holidays have always been a rough time for me, and this year it hit me rather hard, with all of the things that were going on in my life. I ended up in a serious depression that lasted for quite a few months.

Since I wrote last my financial situation has become pretty serious. "Sweetie" has decided to move on without me. My son, Two, has moved away to college, and my two youngest daughters have stopped coming over as frequently. So I have been dealing with money issues, loss of the love of my life, and an empty nest.

I have started to recover emotionally through a little medication, therapy, support of my friends and family, and sheer of will to finally get myself moving again.

"Sweetie" said she needed "time" last spring, and I spent most of the spring and summer hoping that after awhile she might come back. I signed up to match.com and eharmony.com and met some new people, and had a few dates. Through those sites I have made some new friends, some of which have become really good friends.

I am still looking though for someone that might be interested in being more than a friend, but then again, I am not in a real hurry. Although I will admit I prefer to not be alone. I thought I was over "Sweetie" because of the length of time it's been, but recently I saw her car at a local restaurant. I hung around a few minutes to see who she was with, and when I did, I realized I still wasn't completely over her. She wasn't with anyone I knew, but I saw she was happy and having a good time, and it filled me with mixed feelings. I was happy that she was smiling and having a good time, but at the same time sad that it wasn't with me.

We have talked since then and she has told me that she has moved beyond needing time to finally saying that she doesn't want to be with me any longer. At first, it hurt pretty bad, but very quickly that feeling was replaced with a feeling of closure, or weight being lifted off my heart. I was holding out hope that she would come back and it was weighing me down, and my heart was growing heavier day by day, without me realizing it. When she finally said to me that we weren't going to get back together, the weight lifted and I realized how much weight I had been carrying.

I still care for her, but now I feel able to really move on. One of the hard parts, besides saying good bye to her, was ending the relationship with her son. I have been a part of her family for almost 6 years, and I love him like he is one of my own kids. I wanted to continue the relationship with him, but I can't because she doesn't want to be a part of my life, and if her son is still in my life, then she has to be. I know I hurt him by telling him I couldn't hang or talk with him any longer, but I also know it's for the best. I wish him the best, and I hope and pray he becomes a great guy and someone that I can be proud of.

I am now in the process of moving my duplex to the marital home. It needs a lot of work, and because of that I can't rent it out. I can however, rent out the duplex I am living in. So I am going to move out of the duplex and rent it, so I can hopefully relieve some of the financial stress.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and I will try to write more frequently, and if I decide to stop again, I promise I will not do it as abruptly. I also want to once again apologize for anyone that used to read, comment and talk with me for my bad blogging behavior. I hope you forgive me.

Later Lou

Friend

A friend of mine stopped me at work and asked how things have been going. We hadn't spoken for a week or so, and I asked "Haven't you been keeping up by reading my Blog?" "You have a Blog?" he responded with disbelief, as if having a Blog is a pretty rare thing to do. I wonder if that means I have the Blog disease? Can I be cured? I know from personal experience that it has gone into short term remission, but cured? I told him, not only that, but I have setup a family website. Again, he couldn't believe me, so I told him to Google me. The first entry that came up was my LinkedIn profile which I use to network with other people I know. The second entry was not related to me, but the third entry was a mention of my old BBS from the late 80's that I ran called the "Grand Central Station". The forth entry was my family website: Laughlin's in PA. On the menu of the family website is a list of Blogs including mine, "One", "Two", "Three", "Four" and "Other Two". Yeah, I started all my kids with a Blog. It also lists "Two's" personal website. Anyway, he was impressed and started reviewing the websites and Blogs, and I am waiting for him to comment on at least one of my posts... Then I will know my audience went to at least two people! He told me that he was on the web also, and I should Google him, so I did. I found a website that had a video clip from when he was interviewed on TV for a news cast about a machine to help people with bad backs. Now it was my turn to be impressed! I may have created a website and write to a Blog, but I have never gotten interviewed on TV! He's famous! Well maybe not, but he has had his 15 minutes of fame... My turn! Later Lou

Winter Death

A man died. A man, that I knew. A man that went to the same school as I did, and rode the same bus to and from school each day as I did, and graduated in the same year (1983) as I did. A man, who as a boy, stayed over night at my home at one of my birthday parties, at which another boy threw up, down the stairway. A man who stayed close to home, as I did, after school. A man who I would see occassionally, and who would take the time to stop and talk with me. A man who once offered to help me find a job at his company when I was struggling to get my career started. This man died, suddenly, without illness, without warning, without finishing his life. I will not bump into him any longer at the supermarket, or hear about him from mutual aquantences. I will not see him at the next high school reunion. I went to the funeral home, where his body was laid for viewing. I stood in a long line to say my last words, and pay respects to his family. I thought I would recognize some of the faces. I thought I would see people from school, or people that we both knew, however I didn't recognize any of them, and I was overwhelmed. As I looked over the long line and I realized that this man had touched many, many lives, other than mine. Many of those lives touched more profoundly than mine. I made my way slowly to the front, and I looked that the pictures, the flowers, and the people. I stopped short of the casket, and was greeted by his older sister, whom I didn't know. We talked briefly, and she said his death was quick and painless. I stopped at the casket and said good-bye, and whispered that I was sorry we didn't know each other better. I told his father, mother, and brother that I was truly sorry for their loss. Then I left quickly. I was ashamed... I was ashamed that this man was in my life, every day for over 10 years when we were going to school, and I didn't take the time to get to know him. I did know from the few times we spent time together he was a good man, with a great heart. A man who would give his last dime if it would help you. I didn't know his family, and I didn't know if he had a wife, kids or other loved one. How could I have been so selfish as to not know more about such a good person? A person who I literally grew up with! I am 39, and soon to be 40, and I realizing that even though I have been around for more than a couple of years, that life is really short, and you should live it to the fullest... You can't know the future. You don't know whether you have 50 years, or 50 minutes of life left... So live! Take the time to get to know that person who's on the edge of your life, and it will make your life bigger! Later Lou I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it.