Been awhile...

Well, it's been a long while since I have "rambled" here.

I have to start by apologizing to the readers and friends I had before I abruptly stopped writing. I am really sorry for just stopping cold turkey and not saying good-bye, or telling anyone that I was going to take a break or anything... I kinda just "fell" off the edge of the world.

I didn't plan on stopping, it just sorta happened. The holidays have always been a rough time for me, and this year it hit me rather hard, with all of the things that were going on in my life. I ended up in a serious depression that lasted for quite a few months.

Since I wrote last my financial situation has become pretty serious. "Sweetie" has decided to move on without me. My son, Two, has moved away to college, and my two youngest daughters have stopped coming over as frequently. So I have been dealing with money issues, loss of the love of my life, and an empty nest.

I have started to recover emotionally through a little medication, therapy, support of my friends and family, and sheer of will to finally get myself moving again.

"Sweetie" said she needed "time" last spring, and I spent most of the spring and summer hoping that after awhile she might come back. I signed up to match.com and eharmony.com and met some new people, and had a few dates. Through those sites I have made some new friends, some of which have become really good friends.

I am still looking though for someone that might be interested in being more than a friend, but then again, I am not in a real hurry. Although I will admit I prefer to not be alone. I thought I was over "Sweetie" because of the length of time it's been, but recently I saw her car at a local restaurant. I hung around a few minutes to see who she was with, and when I did, I realized I still wasn't completely over her. She wasn't with anyone I knew, but I saw she was happy and having a good time, and it filled me with mixed feelings. I was happy that she was smiling and having a good time, but at the same time sad that it wasn't with me.

We have talked since then and she has told me that she has moved beyond needing time to finally saying that she doesn't want to be with me any longer. At first, it hurt pretty bad, but very quickly that feeling was replaced with a feeling of closure, or weight being lifted off my heart. I was holding out hope that she would come back and it was weighing me down, and my heart was growing heavier day by day, without me realizing it. When she finally said to me that we weren't going to get back together, the weight lifted and I realized how much weight I had been carrying.

I still care for her, but now I feel able to really move on. One of the hard parts, besides saying good bye to her, was ending the relationship with her son. I have been a part of her family for almost 6 years, and I love him like he is one of my own kids. I wanted to continue the relationship with him, but I can't because she doesn't want to be a part of my life, and if her son is still in my life, then she has to be. I know I hurt him by telling him I couldn't hang or talk with him any longer, but I also know it's for the best. I wish him the best, and I hope and pray he becomes a great guy and someone that I can be proud of.

I am now in the process of moving my duplex to the marital home. It needs a lot of work, and because of that I can't rent it out. I can however, rent out the duplex I am living in. So I am going to move out of the duplex and rent it, so I can hopefully relieve some of the financial stress.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and I will try to write more frequently, and if I decide to stop again, I promise I will not do it as abruptly. I also want to once again apologize for anyone that used to read, comment and talk with me for my bad blogging behavior. I hope you forgive me.

Later Lou

Lost Patience... twice...

Well finally happened.... My patience got lost, and got lost good. Fortunately I found it, but then I lost it again. WARNING: If you like a quick read, you might want to skip today's post.

Yesterday was going to be a great day, because it was a vacation day, and only things I chose to do would be done, and done at my own pace. I took a vacation day because the marital home needed the heat turned on so the pipes wouldn't freeze this winter, and also so the house would be more appealing to the future owner. Running water, working electricity and heat are good selling points, I think. Columbia Gas scheduled an an appointment with me at their earliest, which was Wednesday morning. They said a technician could be there sometime between 8AM and 12PM, and since they had no weekend or evening appointments available, I accepted the appointment and submitted a vacation request.

Being that work is so important and I didn't think I should miss any of it at all (smirk), so I briefly considered taking only a ½ day off, and saving the rest for the holidays. But I reconsidered and submitted a vacation request for the entire day. Besides, it was Halloween and I wanted to enjoy the holiday, by cleaning up the marital home yard, getting the gas turned on, checking to make sure the furnace was working, and still have a little spare time to relax and get ready to take the kids out for "Trick or Treat."

Halloween morning started with me awaking in a panic. It was 8:15AM, and I was late for work. Slowly when the Halloween cobwebs cleared, the panic subsided as I remembered that it was a vacation day, and that I only needed to get up and get ready to go to the marital home to get the gas turned on, and to clean up the yard. Before I packed the car with the yard care equipment, I cut the grass at my Duplex, and picked up the street garbage from the sidewalk and the side of the building. I then packed and arrived at the marital home around 10AM.

Since the lawn mower is incapacitated, I had to use the weed-whacker... (remember I bent the blade back in September). It was slow going, and I hadn't gotten very far when the phone rang. While it was ringing, pleasant thoughts were going through my mind, about how smooth the day was going; I was not at work, grass was getting cut, the gas company is calling right on time to tell me they are on their way. Surprise! The call was from Sweetie, and my day was made perfect. It just couldn't get better.

At this point, it should be mentioned, (and it is pretty close to a scientific fact) that I have really bad luck.

Sweetie called not to be sweet, but because she was upset because her son "Other Two" was sitting in the principle's office at school, and she was stuck at work. I offered to go, but she said that her Ex (his Dad) was going, so I didn't need to, just that she was upset and worried because she didn't know what had happened. To help her calm down and get some answers, I suggested that since she couldn't be there, she should call and talk with the principle. She liked my idea and she called the school, and then quickly called me back and and gave me the scoop, with even more concern than before the call. She told me that he was being suspended, but didn't give me any details, because she didn't know all of the facts yet. He was OK, just sitting in the school's office waiting on his Dad to pick him up. She went back to work, and tried really hard to not worry too much about "Other Two", and I went back to work on the yard.

BTW: Patience was still there at this point, but with that bit of bad news, I felt my luck was starting to run out, which doesn't bode well for patience.

As it started to near lunch time, about 11:30AM, I called Columbia Gas and asked where the technician was, since he was supposed to be at the duplex in the morning, and morning was just about over. The gas company representative politely put me on hold, apparently did a little research and told me that the tech was in the area, and I would be his next stop, but it would be just a little after 12. After a brief complaint that my morning was wasted waiting, I asked if they would make it up to me by giving me a credit on the account. The response was "Sorry. I can't do that." The phone call was ended with a snide comment on my lips about how "convenient" it was for them to not be able to help or make me feel better... Patience almost got lost, but it held on.

An hour later, 12:30PM, still no technician. A second call to Columbia Gas and a different representative, that told me some interesting facts I hadn't heard before. The appointment was listed in their system as an "all day" appointment and that the tech would be there sometime before 4:30PM, instead of before 12PM. My explanation to the rep that I had a morning appointment, and that I had recently spoken to another representative that fell on seemingly deaf ears. The representative told me sorry, there wasn't anything they could do to help, I would just have to be patient, and the tech would be there sometime today.

That's when the patience got lost.

A tone started to develop in my voice, which was hard to contain, and I expressed that waiting was unacceptable as I had already waited a long time. I tried to calm down and ask the representative if they could find out how soon the tech might arrive. They said they had no way of knowing. My teeth started to grind together, and between the clenched jaws, I attempted to ask politely for the rep to check with the dispatch department, or a supervisor, or a manager. "Sorry, I can't do that" was the immediate response. At this point the jaw came unclenched, the lungs filled with air, and my voice got very noticeably louder, and reminded the rep that "I am the customer" and I demanded I be helped and helped now. "Sorry, there is nothing we can do for you". My voice rose a few more decibels and demands to talk with someone else, another representative, a supervisor, a manager, or any other living person working for their company. "Sorry sir, I can't transfer you, no one else will be able to help you". My face when deep red and the patience didn't just get lost, it fled! In my loudest, angriest, nastiest voice, which is usually keep reserved exclusively for "Ex", I said, "Give me a supervisor NOW!" And after repeating those words multiple times, I finally got transferred to a supervisor.

The supervisor came on the phone all polite and kind, and immediately called the dispatch department and found out that the tech was detained on an emergency call, and that they apologized for my inconvenience. With just a little consideration my face returned to normal colors, my noise level generated by my own voice lowered so I could hear the music on the radio, and patience returned. I quickly explained to the supervisor that I had scheduled a morning appointment but that it was put into their system as an "all day" appointment, and that I was pretty upset at the amount of time I have been waiting, and how upset the representative I was just speaking with had made me. To appease me even more, the supervisor gave me a $40 credit on the account, and almost all feelings of displeasure left me.

Hopefully that phone call was recorded or monitored for quality assurance, and the representative is told to find another job where their talents could be used... maybe they should work for Comcast.

Patience was recovered, and all was right with the world again.

After I got my $40 credit for the wasted morning, I went to lunch, and read the newspaper. The technician finally did arrive at 4PM, after a third call to Columbia Gas in which I was politely told that he was still on his emergency call, but would be there shortly. When the tech arrived, I found he was a very personable guy and we started talking about the day. He said his day a pretty bad one. He was at a house that had a pretty bad leak right outside and he was trying to fix it before there were any major problems, like explosions.

He took a few minutes and adjusted the gas meter, and quickly got the gas turned on, checked for leaks, and even went above and beyond and helped me insure that the furnace would light.

While we talked he told me that his son was looking for a cheap place in the area to fix up and move into, and I said I was selling this place, and maybe his son would be interested. He asked the price, and I told him and he said he thought his son would be very interested. I showed him around the place, and he was the first person I showed the house to that saw potential instead of problems. I gave him my business card. Now the question is, was he blowing gas up my tail pipe, or was he serious? If he was serious, I could finally get the Albatross off from around my neck, without the need to hire the Realtor, and all of the other repairs.

Later that night, I took the kids trick or treating and afterwards I went over to visit "Sweetie" and "Other Two," since "Other Two" was not allowed to trick or treat because of his school suspension. From talking with "Sweetie" earlier I knew she was short on dinner and that "Other Two" was still a little hungry, so I offered to pick up a hamburger on my way. I brought a couple of hamburgers, and some ice cream to smooth Sweetie's nerves. I also brought some for myself and "Other Two" since he didn't get to go trick or treating. We ate and watched a little TV and when it was time for "Other Two" to go to bed, things got a little out of control. I don't think it's fair to give the details, but needless to say, my patience got lost again. My face didn't get red, nor did the voice get loud, but I stormed out of Sweetie's house angry and upset.

I wrote her an angry Email that was quite a bit longer than this post... yeah, I tend to be a little verbose... Maybe I should change my Blog title to "Rambling Verbosely Along..." (Is that a word? "Verbosely"?) After I wrote the Email, I re-read, edited it, and re-read it, considered not sending it, and then promptly hit the send button.

I don't know if she read it or not, but she called me this morning, and we apologized to each other, and all is right with the world again. The only problem now is that I am back at work, and I didn't get to have any fun on my day off, except for a very short time during trick or treat.

I am bowling tonight, and for some reason when I try to hit ten 3lb wood sticks painted white, with my 16lb ball and get them to all fall down, my patience tries to escape again. Hopefully I can keep a hold of it tonight.

Later Lou

Lunch

I am sitting in one of my local lunch hangouts, a place my co-workers and I refer to as the "$2 pizza place", but it is actually called "Adrian's Pizza". They have a lunch special for $1.99 where you get a small (personal sized) cheese pizza and a drink. The pizza is actually pretty big, yummy, and it is paired up with a free refill drink. All together it makes a great lunch. The $2 pizza isn't the only lunch special, and it's not the only good, inexpensive food either. I usually get the Italian Hoagie lunch special: a good sized Italian sandwich with a large order of fresh fries, and a free refill drink, all together for under $5. Who says you have to carrt in a lunch to eat inexpensively? However, eating healthy is a whole different issue!

Last night (Thursday) our bowling team lost big time... I mean really big time. We didn't win a single game, and lost all 7 points. No oppurtunity for optimism there, except that next week we bowl a pretty weak team, unlike the team we bowled last night... To be honest, the team we bowled against wasn't really the problem, rather we just really didn't bowl well last night. I once again bowled under my average, and I believe most (if not all) of my team mates bowled under their averages as well... I think we need to start practicing, get professional training, or maybe we should wish upon a star?

Wednesday night I finally gave in on one of my new year's resolutions: No carbonated drinks. I had run out of bottled water at home, and I didn't feel like making iced tea. Sitting in the fridge was a few remaining cans of root beer that "Two" had asked me to get for him. I was at home alone, and still feeling a little down about "Sweetie" telling me she was "moving on", so I fell off the wagon and had the beer... the root beer. But I didn't stop with just one... I had two, and after last night's loss, I had another... I think I am becoming a root beer aholoic! :-)

It's time to go back to work, yeah... I went back to work yesterday, after my two day mental health break. I have talked briefly to "Sweetie", but there isn't anything positive to report on that front... (sigh)...

Later Lou

Mental Health Day

I know that today isn't the "World Mental Health Day", which means it's not October 10th, but I took a Mental Health day off from work today anyways.

Yesterday "Sweetie" told me she wanted to "move on" and not be with me any longer. She didn't say that because she has met anyone else (that I know of) or because I am treating her bad or anything that I am aware of... and knowing her, I am sure she would have told me if I was... no she is "moving on" because we can't seem to agree on some things... specifically my "baggage".

If you read my profile (see it's on the right of this blog), or have read any number of posts in this blog then you know I am a single father with four wonderful kids (one of which is on her own now). Well she wants someone without baggage, or someone with a lighter load. I know that sounds bad, but she wants what any woman would want... (I think anyway)... A man who will devote himself to her completely, and since I see my kids pretty regulary I can't be with her all the time. She has her own kids (one of which is on her own now as well), and she doesn't want to be the "Brady Bunch".

We have been dating for quite some time (almost 5 years), and I kept hoping that she would warm up to the idea, and come to not only accept it, but enjoy it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I really love her, but I can't stay in the relationship if she can't accept me for me... and unfortunately for the situation "me" is a father of 4 (3 still under 18).

The biggest thing she doesn't enjoy, and for this I don't blame her, is the things that I go through with "Ex". She dropped a house on me recently, not like Wizard of Oz, but she abandoned the marital home, and now it's my responsibility. "Sweetie" thinks I should just get rid of it, and even though I would love to, it's not really that simple. To get rid of it, I need to sell it, and in it's current state, no one wants it. So I have to fix it up with money I don't have, and hope to sell it or rent it. With the market being what it is recently, I am sure selling isn't an option any time soon. "Sweetie" doesn't want to share the responsibility of that baggage either. Again, I don't blame her for that, I don't want it either, but I don't really have a choice.

I don't blame her for any of her feelings... She has had a lot of crap in her life, and she just wants an uncomplicated relationship, or at least an uncomplicated life. My baggage makes our relationship and her life complicated. She has a choice to be a part of my complications or not, and she is choosing not to... I sometimes wish I could make that choice... but if I did, I would miss out on all of the things I enjoy... my kids, her, her kids, my work, my friends, and everything in between...

I want it all including the complications, and apparently that's not how it's going to happen.

"Sweetie" if you read this, please know that I love you and I always will. I want to be with you, but I can't stop being me. Hopefully someday you may change your mind and join me on my roller coaster, but if not, I understand and will still love you and want you to be happy. You are more to me than a girlfriend, you are my best friend, and I miss you already. You helped me to become more than I thought I ever could be, and I hope you will always think fondly of me.

Later Lou

Changes

Everything changes... Everything... Including me. Today (actually over the last couple of days) I changed this blog. I changed the look, and the title. I thought it was kinda lame, and self centered having my name in the title of the blog. Then again blogs are mostly self-centered as the author is usually writing about themselves, or their opinions. I used to be this skinny geeky kid in high school, and now I am this geeky, not so skinny adult. I used to hate talking in front of a group, now I do it all the time. I used to be shy and socially backward, now I can and do talk to just about anyone (still a little afraid to talk to my boss, but that's another story). I used to exercise and be active, now I eat fast food, and sit all day in front of a computer... Not that I am fat or anything, just extremely out of shape! I used to be driven to do the best I could at whatever I was doing... Best at my job, school, life, whatever... Now after years of trying and not getting where I want, I don't try as hard... I have been worn down. Yep... The biggest change of all... I am getting old. Somewhere in the last decade I became middle aged. Which of course means I still have many, many years in front of me, but I guess I realized somewhere along the way, that I am not a kid any longer... (sigh).

SOOOO.... What do I do about it? Do I just keep on living this depressing life? Well I could... But NO!!!! I am going to change again... I am going to be better than I was yesterday... I am going to eat better, exercise, take the medication that the doctor told me to take (high cholesterol). I am going to drive my self to be the best computer programmer at my company. I am going to have a clean house, car, and life... And I am going to start.... Tomorrow... To tired today... Besides it's Friday...

Critical Update

Well... I didn't make it. I didn't even last an hour! On Friday I said I would attempt to spend the day without criticizing, putting down, or otherwise showing 'negativity' towards other people... I would attempt the challenge I gave to one of my kids. This morning started like most others, hitting the snooze button a bazillion more times than I should, and finally crawling out of bed, much later than I should. The only good news is that the only one I could be critical of was myself, because there wasn't anyone else at home! So keeping the challenge during this time was pretty easy, and led me into a false sense of "this is going to be a piece of cake." The drive to work was also mostly uneventful, nobody to road rage against (BTW: You have to read Limpy's story), and no traffic tie ups. The only issue was the stupid idiot on the radio! Not the talk show host, he is his own special brand of idiot, the caller. So, less than 60 minutes into my 24 hour challenge I am screaming at the radio... After venting, I realized no one could really hear my criticism so does it count if no one hears it? I decided to not count that episode. I went to work and "hid" in my cube, trying hard to not talk to anyone. I immediately got into my work, and within minutes I am cursing myself, and the person before me that worked on this project... Of course it was under my breath, so that didn't count either... Right? I ate lunch alone. Lunch is usually the big "gripe" session of the day, as a bunch of us go out and whine about the boss, the company, fellow co-workers, or other work politics. So I had "officially" made it up to lunch time without actually criticizing anyone that could hear me. I made it until about 15 minutes before the end of day. My cubicle neighbor came over for a visit to grouse about his ex-wife, and that stirred the pot. Within minutes I am sharing stories, and telling him that his "ex" has got problems... Oops... I slipped... I criticized openly... Of course he wasn't aware of my challenge, so did it really count? The discussion continued until after the end of the work day, and the conversation lead to other situations besides my cube neighbor's ex... And each topic was quickly enhanced with my critical comments... I justified the whole colorful conversation because he didn't know about the challenge.... I went home, picked up my kids, and as soon as my son got in the car he asked... "How was your day?"... I could have lied and said "Great", but instead I changed the subject, so I avoided that one. Then my youngest came out with a stain above her upper lip... I told her that her face was dirty and that she needed to wash her face... Is it a criticism when you are being a parent and making sure your kids are clean? Justification? I took my youngest to the library for a Dr. Seuss Celebration, and started chatting with the librarian. She was mostly positive, but started complaining about the funding for the library, and her short staff... I agreed... Is agreeing with someone else's criticism, criticizing? Who am I kidding... I can't do it! I couldn't even make it 60 minutes, let alone 24 hours!

Critical

Are you a critical person? Are you a person that finds fault in a lot of things, or can't resist pointing out something that could be done better? I am, and I wonder if I am passing it along to my offspring. I was talking with one of my kids the other day about how they seem to "complain" a lot. I asked if they complain as much with other people, or just me. To their credit they said they do it the same with everyone. Of course, being critical myself, I probably noticed the complaining more than other people, but that's a side track. I read in some article in a magazine, or newspaper a long time ago, before the Internet that President Abraham Lincoln had a philosophy of not speaking or expressing criticism with those that worked for him, or with him. He would remain silent if he could not say something uplifting or positive. Of course, I am not sure if this is a truthful story, as I can't cite a source, but non-the-less it gave me an idea. I suggested to the younger Laughlin that they spend a 24 hour period of no criticism, negative comments or expressions. No rolling of the eyes, no put downs, no correcting another person, and no complaining. They accepted the challenge starting at 8AM the next day and going for 24 hours. Of course, I didn't take the challenge myself, because I am a parent, and as parents say "Do as I say, not as I do." :-) This of course is a way of justifying our hypocrisy! After the challenge period had been completed I decided to do a little followup and see how well they did. They said it was very, very hard, especially at school, but they thought they did a pretty good job. I asked if it made them smile more or if they enjoyed the day. The response was they spent most of the day quieter than normal, and attempted to be expressionless. Which of course was not what I wanted... I was hoping to remove the negative, and allow the positive to shine through... Instead I got no negative and no positive... So now it's my turn to take the challenge... Today is Friday the 3rd of March. To be fair, I am going to do it on a regular day of work, rather than a fun filled weekend. So starting this coming Monday the 6th for 24 hours starting at 8AM, I will not be critical, or at least not express it. Think I can do it? Think you can?

Busy...

I have been trying to sit down and write something here. I didn't want to just sit down and write a bunch of nonsense, but after reviewing other Blogs, I guess that's all they are... :-) Well, I have a little time before my next "event". It's one meeting after another, and not all of them are work related. As a matter of fact MOST of them are not work related. I suppose the easiest, and best way to be less busy, would be to just say one word more frequently, and with confidence. It's a word that apparently I do not use enough, except maybe around my kids... It's a simple, yet powerful, small word... I am sure you have heard it, if not used it many, many times...

That's the way to become less busy... When asked to do something, instead of trying to please someone else, or doing it to make yourself look good, Ok that's simple enough right? Wrong! Ego gets in the way, or the desire to take care of someone gets in the way, or the boss who keeps you employed gets in the way, or the significant other gets in the way... Well speaking of getting in the way... I have to go now to my next meeting... So I will catch up with this later! :-)

Patience

Patience

Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay: Our patience will achieve more than our force (Edmund Burke). - from Dictionary.com

The ability to be patient is not an easy thing to acquire. It's a skill that takes many, many years to perfect. Many think they cannot become a patient person, but I think they are wrong.

Patience isn't that tough, really. However, it is tough to have the right amount. Having too much patience causes a person to become a doormat, which everyone walks all over. Not having enough patience and the world sees you as an unstable bomb that they do not want to be near for any length of time, for fear they may trip the "live wire," and cause an explosion. Patience is a simple matter of "ignoring" the little stuff. Some examples are:

• Loud or Annoying Kids: Let the kids be a little loud, and rambunctious when they are at home or a friends house, even though you would prefer quite time to read the paper or talk on the phone. Buy earmuffs, or a louder handset for the phone.
• Cleaning: It's ok if the kids/hubby/wife didn't pickup after themselves every single time. The world doesn't come crashing to a halt because there is dirty underwear on the bedroom or bathroom floor... Now dirty underwear on the kitchen floor is a different matter. Yeah, you have told them 100 bazillion times to pick up after themselves. Think about this... Unless they are running around without any underwear, the reason the dirty ones are on the floor, is because they put clean ones on... Isn't that the most important thing?
• Bills: Yes, you have to pay the bills; otherwise they take away whatever it is you are paying for. Arrange to have the bills due at the same time or two times a month (i.e. 15th and 30th). That way, you only have to deal with them once or twice a month instead of every other day. That leaves MOST of the month to not worry about them.
• Storage: The basement or storage area doesn't have to be alphabetized, categorized, and in perfect organization. If the stuff is out of the way, and you can find the Christmas decorations by Thanksgiving, it's organized enough. Spend your time playing with the kids who are being loud and rambunctious.
• Plans: Planning upcoming events are a great idea, and a necessary thing. However, life happens, and plans often get changed. When life is happening, pay attention to it, and not the plan, or you will miss it. Enjoy the life, it only happens once! Plans can be rebuilt, remade, and redone. Try doing that with a life!
• Coworkers: People you work with or go to school with may drive you up a wall. They may bicker, backstab, giggle, fart, or clip their nails incessantly. If you are in a cube a work, slap on the headphones, do your job and ignore them. You will get more work done and those annoying people will get less done, because they are too busy doing the annoying things instead of their job. You will be the star employee, and you won’t need to brag (or kiss butt) to prove it! J They will be on the chopping block the next time the company does cutbacks.
• Driving: Road rage is the hardest thing to control. There are idiots everywhere, including the road. Guess what? They can’t hear you when you yell and scream at them. Flipping the middle finger, or slamming the brakes, or the horn is not going to make a difference… Know why? Because they don’t care! If they did, they wouldn’t be driving the way they are… So don’t waste your effort… Smile instead… You’ll live longer.

There are many other simple things you can do… But it takes practice… You won’t develop patience over night… So don’t give up, keep smiling, and remember… You will be happier, live longer, and more people will want to be around you. I think that’s a good reason to ignore the crap that exists in this world don’t you?

Winter Death

A man died. A man, that I knew. A man that went to the same school as I did, and rode the same bus to and from school each day as I did, and graduated in the same year (1983) as I did. A man, who as a boy, stayed over night at my home at one of my birthday parties, at which another boy threw up, down the stairway. A man who stayed close to home, as I did, after school. A man who I would see occassionally, and who would take the time to stop and talk with me. A man who once offered to help me find a job at his company when I was struggling to get my career started. This man died, suddenly, without illness, without warning, without finishing his life. I will not bump into him any longer at the supermarket, or hear about him from mutual aquantences. I will not see him at the next high school reunion. I went to the funeral home, where his body was laid for viewing. I stood in a long line to say my last words, and pay respects to his family. I thought I would recognize some of the faces. I thought I would see people from school, or people that we both knew, however I didn't recognize any of them, and I was overwhelmed. As I looked over the long line and I realized that this man had touched many, many lives, other than mine. Many of those lives touched more profoundly than mine. I made my way slowly to the front, and I looked that the pictures, the flowers, and the people. I stopped short of the casket, and was greeted by his older sister, whom I didn't know. We talked briefly, and she said his death was quick and painless. I stopped at the casket and said good-bye, and whispered that I was sorry we didn't know each other better. I told his father, mother, and brother that I was truly sorry for their loss. Then I left quickly. I was ashamed... I was ashamed that this man was in my life, every day for over 10 years when we were going to school, and I didn't take the time to get to know him. I did know from the few times we spent time together he was a good man, with a great heart. A man who would give his last dime if it would help you. I didn't know his family, and I didn't know if he had a wife, kids or other loved one. How could I have been so selfish as to not know more about such a good person? A person who I literally grew up with! I am 39, and soon to be 40, and I realizing that even though I have been around for more than a couple of years, that life is really short, and you should live it to the fullest... You can't know the future. You don't know whether you have 50 years, or 50 minutes of life left... So live! Take the time to get to know that person who's on the edge of your life, and it will make your life bigger! Later Lou I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it.

Neat

I am over the holiday blues. I am feeling really good, new vim, and vigor... What is "vim" anyway. I did eventually put up Christmas decorations, on Christmas Eve, but now they are still up... Well, the tree is. But I have been feeling good, so I don't care! ;-) I have decided to take my life by the scruff of the neck, and kick it in the butt, and tell it to get moving. A few projects at work came up and I didn't really "take charge", but I did take a leadership role, in so much as I attempted organized the chaos a little. I arranged a few meetings, helped to coalesce a few ideas, instead of things flying all over the field. What's neat about this is that the people I am working with don't feel like I am stepping on their toes, at least I don't think so. They actually seem to appreciate it. Of course, only time will tell on that issue. I have learned quite a bit in the last five years about organizing things, and arranging things because I had to working with Scouts. I also had to learn how to deal with many, many different personalities, and not let it get personal. That experience is helping me now. Kinda neat when you do something for someone else, deal with the ups and downs that come with it, and you can learn from it and apply it back in a positive way in your life. Of course it's only 9 days into the new year, and the pessimist in me (who many times out weighs the optimist), says that they are just appearing on the surface to like this, and behind the scenes and my back, they are gabbing about how I have "taken over". Well, for now the optimist is winning, and I don't really think that's happening... Again, only time will tell for sure. Check back, in a few weeks, or months, and I will let you know which side wins! Neat huh? Do me one last favor, keep the survivors of the tsunami in your prayers. They need that more than just about anything.